Week 39--in which we ponder the unconscious ways we convey the essence of who we really are

Beautiful Ones,

In last Sunday's Notes from the Field, I promised to share experiences from Jerry and Maura’s wedding that planted deep mystical seeds in me.

The biggest, and for me most impactful, came from one sentence in Jerry’s vows.

When it was time, Jerry reached into a pocket, pulled out two typed pages, smiled at Maura, looked down, and began to read.

Jerry’s and Maura’s vows did not sound like any I had ever heard before. In their vows, these two precious beings showered one another with deeply lived and recognized truths. Not one word was preordained or expected. This was two people speaking directly to one another’s hearts and in the process, revealing their own.

We in the room felt blessed to witness their reverence and devotion to one another and to the truths they embody every day.

Jerry named many beautiful things about his beloved. But there was one line that grabbed me and still has not let me go.

He was telling Maura about how she conveys her devotion to their Shiba rescue dog, Fritos. The then nameless dog was found half dead on a street in Brooklyn in 2022. Most of his fur was gone, his exposed skin was turning black, his paws had no fur. One ear looked like another dog’s discarded chew toy. The friends who found this starving being asked Maura if she’d keep him just for a couple nights while they looked for a proper foster home.

Well, you know what happened next, don’t you.

Maura and Jerry fell head over heels in love with Fritos, and their love, devotion, and unconditional commitment has willed Fritos back to life. Back to health. And back to a sense of safety in what Fritos knows is a terrifying, unsafe world.

In his vows, Jerry described how deeply it touches him to see Maura reach out in her sleep to feel Fritos, touch him, and ensure he is safe.

Jerry stopped reading, looked at Maura and said, “You did it last night.” The room erupted.

I’ve been pondering this sentence in his vows ever since. In deep soul writing and in conversations with friends, I have explored this question:

What does someone do UNCONSCIOUSLY that totally conveys their essence, their beliefs, their values.

Not something they say, but something they unconsciously do. Like a tell in poker.

I knew instantly what Jerry does. When he talks to someone, anyone, he turns his body so he is chest to chest. Makes eye contact. Pauses for a moment. And listens. Really listens.

When I told Jerry that attending to another with his whole body was his tell, the way he unconsciously communicates his deeply held philosophical and moral and political values, he said he had no idea he did that. Proof that it really is his unconscious truth.

But I know, if he stopped doing this, he wouldn’t be Jerry. He wouldn’t be Maura’s beloved or my precious son. He wouldn’t be the man people flew to NY from around the world to celebrate.

As I pondered the profundity of unconscious communication, I realized that both Maura and Jerry’s unconscious behaviors did something even bigger than convey who they are as individuals.

Their unconscious body language created a safe space for others.

• Maura’s middle of the night touches let Fritos know he is safe.
• Her touches simultaneously communicate a sacred truth to Jerry: he is safe with Maura, too.
• Jerry’s full body attention lets another know they are safe to express themselves.
• Once I became conscious of the ways these two create a vortex of safety, I realized I feel totally safe when I’m with them, too. I can, and do, show up as myself, my full mystic witch self, a self who is always in a state of discovery. A self that Jerry may not understand, but a self he still wants to hear. A self he encourages and applauds.
• With them, I am safe.

That awareness, got me to look at the ways people in my life have unconsciously communicated their true nature.

And I came to some hard realizations.

I know after years of self-exploration and therapy that I was not safe in my childhood home. The smartest, wisest, most self-protective thing I could do, and did do, was to leave and not look back. Leave the right-wing political indoctrination. Leave the fascist fear mongering. Leave the christian religion. Leave the righteous flag-waving patriotism. Leave the ever-present undercurrent of racism and misogyny.

So, thanks to Jerry’s vows, I looked back today at my parents and ex-husband’s unconscious behaviors and realized they were always communicating their true selves.

• They were always waiting to pounce.
  To jump on anyone who said anything they considered wrong. To jump on anything my teachers said. Oh, how they loved jumping on those bleeding heart liberals.
• My parents always had a glare in their eyes. So did my ex-husband. So of course I never felt safe. I wasn’t.

Now that I’m uber sensitive to how people unconsciously communicate their true nature, I find it’s easy.

Almost impossible to miss. Just look at a few images of figures in the news. It looks to me like their bodies are communicating one of two things:

1. They’re bodies are aggressively open, poised to pounce, anger and righteousness oozing out their pores.

   or

2. Their bodies are closed, curved inward, glancing down or away as if trying to pretend to themselves and to us that they haven’t sold their souls. Look at Marco Rubio for a full exposition of this. He's so uncomfortable with himself that he can't make eye contact with anyone else.

Does this idea of unconscious truth-telling strike you as a big deal? A life-altering awareness even. It sure does to me!

And it leaves me asking myself: how do I unconsciously convey my true, mystic witch self?

It's hard to answer this for yourself, i think. So I'm asking people who know me to help me see myself through their eyes.

And I hope that when they look at me, they sense that their true gentle mystic self is safe.

Life is Fragile. Handle with Reverence.

Janet
website: janetconner.com

facebook: janet conner prayer artist

YouTube: Janet Conner